Issue 7 Apr 13 – Apr 19, 2026
Week of Apr 13
Trump blockaded Hormuz with zero allied support, Iran closed it anyway and mocked him on emergency radio, and traders shorted oil minutes before his announcement. Allies openly organized against Washington while Swalwell imploded in 72 hours at home.
Trump seized Hormuz, Iran humiliated him in real time. He ordered a full naval blockade with no allied backing, contradicted himself on that backing within five seconds, then claimed a personal Hormuz win as Iran closed it anyway and called him an idiot on emergency radio. A sanctioned Chinese tanker sailed through unchallenged, a cruise ship ran it, and China told the Navy it's none of your business. Iran then reopened it tied to a Lebanon ceasefire, proving it was always a lever.
The insider-trading trail is the real scandal. Oil shorts landed minutes before Trump's announcement, a mass ship turnaround at the Strait is flagged as historic market manipulation, and markets cheered the choke on global supply while economists melted down.
Allies stopped refusing and started organizing. Spain told America to go to hell, twice, the EU moved to suspend Israel's trade privileges, Meloni threw Hiroshima in Trump's face, and Xi swooped in 36 hours after Trump threatened Madrid. Rubio threatened to pull US bases from Europe; Europe shrugged.
Netanyahu runs American foreign policy openly now. He told Trump to shove his ceasefire, confirmed daily White House briefings, and said the VP reports to him. Israel bombed a funeral seconds after "ceasefire" and enforces a secret Yellow Line in Lebanon.
Swalwell fell in 72 hours. From gubernatorial frontrunner to resignation, facing an expulsion vote as Gallego accused him of lying. Congress meanwhile slipped a midnight FISA reauthorization through.
Milei runs Argentina on tarot as it eats donkeys. His sister governs by astrology, he's making AI furry videos of himself, and collapse is measured in donkey meat.